A storm brews within this maiden’s heart. The dark clouds of emotion rest heavily on the horizon that is my soul, and a wild wind howls through my mind as my thoughts race together - irrepressible. A lightning like malady shivers up and down my spine. Everything around me seems to have halted, as if suspended in a silent and motionless anticipation.

Waiting for the imposing onslaught to break open and rage.

The more people change the more they stay the same.

We may achieve many great things throughout our lifetime. We may find success in everything we try and do. We may fall into great wealth and obtain many fine things and have all the riches we desire from this world. We may be all-knowing; with a vast knowledge that can not be matched. We may be blessed with an abundant personality that others want to keep company with for entertainment. Every one may adore and admire us, look up to us for guidance and advices - while fighting back the bitter sweetness of jealously. We may very well appear to have it all.

Although inside those people are SCREAMING. If they were to loose all their riches their lives would become utterly worthless. They would become lonely and empty inside. They scream because what you do not see is that they lack what is of grave importance to the well-being and survival of any soul - wealthy, poor, lost or otherwise.

The patience and kindness of love.
The trust and peacefulness of faith
The positive promise of hope.

I am pretty certain that without these three things, life is dark and lonely place that is not worth living. And I am thankful for whom I’ve become, to my Gods and to those I love that I still manage to hold onto all three.
xxoo

There is no Sunrifter. There is no moon. There are no stars. There is no feeling of normalcy. I sit up and pull the covers back. I turn my head and look around in the direction I presume are the walls of the tower - the last place I laid to rest. And there is nothing but a void of darkness. I take some deep breaths thinking they will help. There is no scent of the sweet burned wood from the fire I had lit before falling asleep. Hesitantly I lie back down on my side, then quickly turn over onto my back, eyes wide open and breathing deeply. And there is still nothing at all but the void.

I am unsure what to do so I sit up once more and remove the covers. My feet instantly recoil with the chill of the floor and I instinctively glance around for my boots. But of course, there is nothing that I can see. I decide to stay wrapped in the covers, making sure my feet are tucked neatly in them.

I realize for the first time that I’ve been grasping something within my hand. I can feel that it is in pieces - most likely from how tightly I was surely holing onto it, and the jagged edges have cut into my palm. I do not need my sight or any light to know that it is my special sea shell, now broken in two. I can feel myself become physically sick, and I lament for the sea shell.

It’s as if everything I ever knew had vanished into nothing. I am all alone and in my heart it feels as if nothing will ever be right again. Frowning I close my eyes and exhale sharply.

Is it true that our nightmares follow us like a dark shadow forever?

I bite my lip and taste blood. I couldn’t, didn’t dare answer my own question . . .

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I miss my life and I miss my love and all the adventures we used to have. Why have I been cursed with this pain and fatigue and inability to sleep? Its really draining me. Surely I had suffered enough in my younger days at the hands of my father and his minions (for lack of a better word to describe the pathetic souls) all who he was able to coerce with money, promises of power - and even myself into working for him. I feel like only a shell of myself being so sore and tired all the time. I move slower, I think slower and yet I’m still young. I guess all the damage had already been done, and it was only a matter of time. Irreversible damage I reckon. Took me quite a long time to be able to admit and accept that but what else can I do? It’s the first and hardest step in moving forward and changing what I need to change to deal.

I used to pray in vain every day that the Gods might find it in their heart of hearts to heal and rejuvenate me - mind body and soul, but that was wishful praying. At least I have the mineral pools to give me that temporary release from all the pain and fatigue. I couldn’t be more pleased with its beauty and how well loved it is by the guildkin and how perfectly it fits tucked under the pagoda. Add a glass of wine and I’m a happy cleric, at least for a little while.

As much as I have tried to act ‘normal’ I have noticed that people are either overly nice to me or they become quite nerved and shifty around me. I wish they wouldn’t. It makes me more anxious and I promise, I’m not going to fall into pieces when you ask for blessings or assistance. Sure I’m tired but I love to help anyone, same as ever. It’s just who I am. If I wasn’t helping I wouldn’t feel like me. And in this time, I really need to feel a bit like myself, or else I feel I might go crazy - quicker then I fear I already am. I wonder if it is possible to lead a double life – one with neither shame nor guilt or pain or fatigue.

Of course I still value my privacy and my time spent alone. Lately it seems that somewhere in our quest for independence and individuality we’ve lost our sense of privacy. Not sure how others feel about that but I need my privacy and alone time. So if you find me and Im sleeping please don’t poke me awake! I recently had the pleasure of meeting someone obnoxious enough to do this. So please for the sake of all sanity in Valorn (okay maybe just my own sanity) please don’t do that to me. That’s a big no-no in my book.


I plan to make up for valuable lost time this year . . .